Terrorist Goat Cell Strikes Twice

A sleeper cell of terrorist goats has recently been activated in America's heartland. They have also staged another terrorist home invasion as documented by Dave Barry. The Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat level to Squirrel. In other news, the raccoons that invaded the White House grounds are still at large. This would never have happened if Dick Cheney were still in charge.

WMD: They Have Been Found!

The residents of Summerville, SC were evacuated when alert Postal Service workers detected what they thought was a chemical weapon in a parcel at the Oakbrook Post Office.

Evidently, skunks can be had in two varieties, with jar and without jar.

Mentioned also here.

Time For A Little Culture

The renowned (first it went through the painful nowning phase -- nods to Willow in "The Freshman") BBC Philharmonic Orchestra performs Strauss's Blue Danube with Whoopie Cushions.

More Time With Her Family

A Tauranga NZ mother (not Turanga Leela's mother) has been ordered to home detention after assaulting her housemate/partner with a log and a knife. His offense was to be too slow to help out with the children. He was holding a baby at the time. Human shield is a man's definition of helping out.

Deposits Swell At Some Banks

Not all banks are losing business in the recession. Sperm banks are experiencing a solid increase in deposits. With shrinkage in the economy, the nation's sperm banks are imitating credit card rewards programs by paying depositors for spending.

Florida: They Take Fashion Seriously

Two Florida brothers got into a fight over a pair of jeans. (They were really nice jeans.) The fight culminated in one brother braining the other with an iron. No, not a steam iron, a tire iron. The dispute will get even uglier when the subject is shoes.

French Surrender To Microsoft Vista

The French Navy was defeated by Microsoft Vista in what was an admittedly an uneven fight. Warplanes were disabled when computers running Vista were infected by a computer virus. Rumors that France will revert to Windows 3.1.1 are unconfirmed. An iPhone applet is in development to run the French Ministry of Defense.

The Original Rock Music

The 2000 Year-Old Man used to say that the first language was Rock. "Hey, what are you doing with that rock?" "Put down that rock." "Don't you throw that rock." Now a composer in Wales has come up with the original Rock music in an exhibit about Neanderthals. He could just as well have asked Keith Richards.

Bjorn Again vs. Vlad the Beatle

The Vlad Putin/ABBA saga rolls on. A spokesman for the Russian premier denies categorically to The Times of London that his boss attended a private concert by the ABBA tribute band Bjorn Again. In fact, claims the Kremlin flack, Putin is a Beatles fan.